I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
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This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
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Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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