I wish I could punch you in the face.
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
You need a sexual gate keeper
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Randomize
