Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
