The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
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so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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