My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Everclear isn't food dammit
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Randomize