Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I think I sprained my soul last night
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
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