i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.