u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
