You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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