They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
