Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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