I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
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