So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Did I show you my penis last night?
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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