Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
