Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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