I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
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