Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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