I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
