My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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