He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Mom said you looked used
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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