you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
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The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
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Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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