Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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