I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
