I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
he told me I talked like a deaf person
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Randomize
