I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
