i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
