the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
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