I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
