Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
