He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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