she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
