When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
