There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
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