Well douche your snatch and let's go!
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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