that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
