evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
