Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
A bitchslap is in order.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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