Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
i think i scared a bird with my dick
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Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
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I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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