did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
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Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
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Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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