I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.