Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
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Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
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Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!