he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
