I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
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sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
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I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Congratulations! We have a period
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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