so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
