Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
