i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Randomize