So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
