I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize
