Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Randomize
