Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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