he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
