separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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