if i can run in heels then i can drive
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
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