feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
