Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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